It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
that is very illegal...i love you.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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