Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i used baking grease as lip gloss
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
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