Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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