The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I wish my penis had an off switch
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
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