I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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