she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
