Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
