mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
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I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
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I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize