I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
