Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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