tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
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