he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Randomize
