No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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