my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
