How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
