It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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