so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
