i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
