Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
