Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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