Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
