i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
