I'm drive I can fine osifer
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
