Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
