I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
