so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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