I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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