My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
