they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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