my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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