i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
