i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
