as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
