My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
