dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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