I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
