life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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