I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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