I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Randomize
