If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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