You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
