I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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