My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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