I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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