I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
we're so committed to being not committed
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