There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him