i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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