I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
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next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
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His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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