she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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