A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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