it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
