You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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