I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
