I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
