I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
