I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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